Self-Validation

DBT and CBT are both pretty big on changing how you think as a way of changing how you feel.  Both recognize cognitive distortions which are faulty patterns of thinking that develop during periods of distress and/or can act as a catalyst for distress.  One component of both therapies involves helping folks change their thinking habits so they are less vulnerable to high levels of distress and are less prone to engaging in ineffective behaviors.

One way to challenge ineffective thinking is to engage in self-validation. There are six levels of validation, for this post we’re going to focus on accurate reflection (remaining factual about the experience) and normalizing (applying a standard of how most reasonable people would feel/think/ react in your situation).

Let’s imagine your child’s school calls and informs you that Timmy (your child in this scenario) needed more help at home with his homework as it was unsatisfactory.  All of a sudden the pleasant thought “I’m a bad parent” enters your mind.

“I’m a bad parent”, in this case, is a form of global labeling, a distortion where we define ourselves by a behavior or habit we engage in. So let’s get to work on being a bit more reasonable.

First, we’ll start with Accurate Reflection:

“I’m feeling guilty, embarrassed and anxious about the call from Timmy’s school.  I have stopped working on his homework because he hasn’t asked me for help. I didn’t realize there was an issue until  after the school informed me.”

This qualifies as more reasonable, doesn’t it?  It’s also a far more accurate accounting of what happened.

Now to Normalizing…

“Most parents would feel this way after a call like that and most parents would admit they aren’t perfect and most would also agree that it’s impossible to be on top of everything”

As a bonus, we’ll throw in problem-solving (not a form of validation but still a cognitive skill)….

“I’ll let go of some housekeeping and set aside 40 minutes each day to really check his work instead of skimming through it.”

If we got stuck on “I’m a bad parent”, we would be more vulnerable in reacting strongly to Timmy in ways that may not be effective “you embarrassed me today”, to ourselves (sleeping, bingeing, isolating) or maybe we would do none of that but continue to feel like shit the rest of the day.