Four Choices

DBT presents us with four choices when faced with a painful situation, we tend to be really aware of two (changing the harmful situation, staying miserable) but not so aware of the others. To illustrate the four choices, let’s take the example of a difficult situation at work.

In this scenario, let’s imagine you’re boss engages in small talk with your co-workers, takes them out to lunch, etc. and barely gives you a nod in the morning. Our choices may play out in the following manner:

(1) Change the Situation- This would involve different strategies including, taking initiative and starting more conversations with your boss, asking him/her if he’d like to go out to lunch or having a discussion with him/her about your perception of your relationship with him/her with the goal of balancing out access.

(2) Change how you think and feel about the situation – This would involve checking your perception against facts, challenging the meaning you are giving the situation, thinking through context and looking for other possible explanations as an alternative to the explanation that provokes you. It may also mean looking at the benefit of the situation – having more time to do work and getting out earlier, not being under the spotlight.

(3) Radically Accept the Situation- We’ve exhausted the other two options skillfully (keyword) and the situation hasn’t changed and we are having a hard time letting go of not getting what we want. Accepting the situation simply means letting go of the expectation behaviorally (stop fighting reality) and adapt. Maybe work on cultivating relationships with other higher-ups, join some committees or shift your focus to investing in relationships with co-workers or individuals outside of the office.

(4) Stay Miserable- Fight reality, don’t let go of what your boss “should” be doing, act in ways that are vindictive, petty or harmful (avoid office parties, keep to yourself, complain about the work environment to other coworkers) to demonstrate your dissatisfaction and satiate the desire for vengeance. The problem with this option is it leads to other sources of misery (increased isolation, marginalization) and we may potentially turn a problem “my boss doesn’t talk to me” into suffering “my entire work environment sucks and now I’m thinking about it even when I’m not at work”.